Today I had my second session of CBT. I have been waiting for a year to start Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Sandra is my therapist and she challenges me in a way that no one has before. She attacks my negative thinking and puts a new perspective on it, making me dig deep to see how unhealthy and unrealistic my thoughts are. I have homework, and a lot of it. She says I sleep to avoid and I need to be more active. Sandra does her job well. She asked me tonight, if I wanted to continue to be depressed and miserable. To some that may seem like an easy question to answer. No. But for me depression and being miserable is my comfortable norm, so I hesitated when I answered her. My answer was still no, I do not want to live my life like this. I’m here because I want to change. I want to be the author of my life. So far depression and anxiety have been writing all the pages so far, and that’s a shitty book. But I keep reading it over and over as though it’s my favourite book.
So we made some goals…
1. I have to go to work at 7 am at least once a week instead of the regular 6 am and know that I am still going to be a capable teacher who does her job well.
2. I need to sleep less. Sleeping is my avoidance strategy and it needs to be replaced. I can replace it with almost anything, but I am not allowed to use sleep to avoid.
3. I have to run three times per week for 20 minutes and know that it’s ok to be a beginner runner again.
So I ran tonight. Slowly. Very slowly. I am starting from scratch again. I ran 2.5 km which my mind tells me is not good enough. Real runners go much further and much faster. Sandra would tell me to be aware of that thought and ask me if a friend told me they ran exactly what I did, what would I think? Well, I would think they are awesome, because that’s great. So I will tell myself, that what I did was great.
Do what needs to be done so you can save yourself. Just because your progress isn’t obvious it doesn’t mean your effort isn’t paying off.
I trust the next chapter because I am the author.