Don’t be Denied

Hello all, friends and strangers, soul sisters I’ve already met and those who I have yet to cross paths with. This is my first post, documenting my journey, my life, how my mind works…and how I deal with it.

As a girl, a woman, a daughter, sister, aunt, friend and tiny soul on this earth who struggles with the daily fight with a certain foe in my head, I still believe there is good out there for me. That foe, that thing that is present each and every day, in my head, so wrapped up in my thoughts and in my heart, tells me that you don’t deserve to be happy and that something bad will happen to you because, in fact, that is what you deserve.

I have major depressive disorder that cycles rapidly. I have an anxiety disorder that does not mix well with my depression. This means that I have twists and turns in my path, that are unexpected, and sometimes seem to twist and turn forever in a downhill motion. Ironically as I sometimes spiral down and out of control, it feels like a forever uphill battle.  When I stop spiralling and settle, I don’t know which way I face or which way to turn. Where is that sign post that has wooden arrows telling you that happiness is left and sadness is the path behind you? As a 32 year old woman, I am learning how to find my way again, each and every time, although it seems to be without any sign posts.

My journey with mental health started when I was a young teenager, and the funny part is although I’ve made it “this far” I still sometimes feel exactly as I did when I was 15. Having recently added a new physiatrist to my menu of doctors, and having to recount my history of struggles, I wonder how far I’ve actually come.  I had to tell (yet again) my history: times I’ve been hospitalized, off work, self harmed, been on different meds, lost sleep, slept too much and on and on and on. It’s odd and I think unfortunately that this is my norm. This is my life. That was my life. This will be my life?

Doctors are notorious for asking, “what is it that you do in your spare time?” I usually answer with a shoulder shrug or a mumbled answer, “well, I like to run.” I really don’t know how many answers they are looking for. But that is my answer. In the past 4 years I’ve been blessed with a witty and amazing nephew and a loving and sweet niece. So now I add that to my list. But sometimes I still feel guilty for not having a longer list of things to say whenever I am asked that question. Ahhh there it is again, the feeling of guilt, and all the “should haves.” I should have more to list. Thanks depression. P.S. you suck.

I am working on being happy, not for whole days just yet, but for at least some parts of the day. I want to change what my “norm” is; and so I tell myself don’t be denied your own happiness just because your mind automatically, and almost too scarily, goes to the dark path.  Stay focused on the way things can be, and what will happen and play out for you. Be deliberate about your decisions. Always choose love.

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