It’s a Disorder, Not a Decision

I did not choose to have a mental illness. I did not choose to struggle. I did not choose a life with a sickness. However, I can choose to take care of myself and recognize when things become a little too much.

The past week has been a challenge in finding balance. I haven’t been home much and since that is where I feel the most comfortable I’ve been off kilter.  I haven’t ran in a few days and I feel tremendously guilty. My balance has been thrown and I’ve had to finally take some time today to reconnect and even out.

My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life does not have to come last. I love so many things, so many people, so many moments, but in order for me to appreciate those things for what they are and who they are, I need to recover. I’m recovering from new feelings of uncomfortableness and being out of my comfort zone. I’m recovering from making decisions. Making decisions can be so unbelievably exhausting. As a teacher of little ones, you are constantly making decisions from the moment your day starts at a rate of which non-teachers would be astounded by. It takes a good few weeks into the month of July to recover and re-coop from the daily grind of being responsible for little’s education and well-being while being on your A game – because you can’t survive if you’re not. So, making decisions outside of work, reminds me of work, and I’m constantly worried about my choices. Something as simple as paint colour, can make my insides twist and turn. And when it’s time to tell someone that I need some time to myself, deciding how to tell them drives me crazy. I worry that they won’t understand, among many other things.

I also tend to need more recovery time than the average person. Sometimes it’s a few days, sometimes it’s a week – and in especially dark times it’s even longer than that. I can see how that can come across as lazy, or even selfish, but trust me when I say it’s not. It’s a matter of survival. I need it to survive. We all need a different type and amount of recovery time.  No judgement needed.

Mental health is not a light switch you can simply turn on and off. It’s a dial you, and only you, learn how to manage.  Well it’s time for me to dial it down for a bit.

Please take care of yourself.




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