Forever That Girl…

This is my fear: that I will forever be THAT girl. That girl who cancels plans with no warning. That girl who prefers to be alone, rather than with company. That girl who says nothing and comes across as quiet when all I want to do is have a conversation. That girl who is messed up and can’t cope. That girl who struggles.

The discomfort in my chest today is almost unbearable. The knots in my stomach feel like they are eating me alive. My body is sending me so many obvious hints that I am not okay, and yet, I don’t know what to do about it. I wander, aimlessly, from room to room, and feel bad because Tunie follows me around. I obsess over the list in my head of things that I know will be unsuccessful today. I am having a bad day. I’m struggling to cope today and I hate days like this. My body shakes and I can’t control it and I’m on the verge of tears. I am craving sensory pain like you wouldn’t believe, because it would be a release, a distraction, a solution. This is what a moment feels like when your anxiety is present. Now imagine all the moments in a day and think about how much you would dread that day. This is my today.

I need to work on being in love with the person in the mirror who is still standing after being through so many struggles. I want to actually forever be that girl who gets really excited when the sky is in lovely colours. That girl who is proud of who she has become. That girl who can talk to anyone without worrying about what they will think when they find out I struggle. That girl who is gentle with herself. Today I will work on being gentle with myself but forgive me for also being that girl who can’t leave the house today.

Until tomorrow.

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