Everyone needs at least one friend who understands what we do not say. I’m extra cautious about who has access to me lately, and it’s not because of arrogance. It comes from the need to protect my space and my energy. This, hopefully short chapter of my life, requires me to be a little bit less accessible. Do not take it personally.
The war hit again. The enemy is coming. Help me hold up my head and enter the arena so that I can face the dark side. Help me fight until I cannot fathom to fight any more, then push me to fight harder. Help me to remember to never let go and to never give up because this war, this time is a war all too familiar. Help me to never run and never surrender and to fight a good fight; even when it seems inevitable.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist and I guess the point is that I’m still alive, even after all these fights. I don’t remember easy, I only remember difficult because it is all too familiar. My brain is still trained to think of self-harm as the first and only option to make things better. What an easy way to end the pain. I think I deserve bad things to happen to me and sometimes I wish they would, however, I do think I’m past the point in my illness where I would never self-harm again, and so instead I sleep. Sleep is safe. Sleep doesn’t harm me. Sleep passes the time.
I’m a thinker, not a talker. So if you are one of my people, don’t take my silence for bitterness or a wall not to be tackled. Ask me yes or no questions because those are easy for me to answer. Ask me if you can touch me and if I say yes give me deep pressure. Breathe with me until it passes. Tell me that you’ve got me and that you’ve got my back. Don’t tell me it will be okay because to me it won’t be okay. Instead, tell me to be strong and that you will be strong with me. Sit with me without talking, your presence means more the typical responses that we get.
Sending love to everyone who’s trying their best lately to heal from things they don’t discuss.